Understanding intrinsic vs extrinsic motivation and encouraging your teen
Motivation: The willpower to follow through and drive to complete a task or objective. For many parents, lack of motivation from a teen can be misperceived as not caring. Even more frustrating are the conversations surrounding getting your teen to complete something. For some parents, it may seem like the simplest attempt to motivate their teen can easily turn into nagging.
Intrinsic motivation is the drive from within; whether it be to master a particular skill, be the best version of yourself or find purpose. Extrinsic motivation means the drive comes externally; whether it be for praise, attention, financial gain or other external rewards. I hear all the time from parents that they just want their teen to try their best. The problem is, parents want their child to be self-motivated in a reward motivated world. Grades, class rank, college admissions, the number of social media followers and sports competitions are a few of many contributors to extrinsic motivation.
As humans, we are driven both extrinsically and intrinsically. Different objectives and tasks may solicit different motivating factors. The obstacle teens face is that they are growing into themselves and finding their identity amidst a saturation of extrinsic motivation. The result is emotional and mental turmoil. Teens in today’s world are placed under immense pressure to be accepted and successful. It's not uncommon for teens to shut down as a result. To some teens, they would rather not try than be perceived as a failure or disappointment. As parents, it is important to reestablish balance and instill the characteristics you want to see in your teen through intrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivation is built through encouragement. Many parents may be thinking they encourage their teen all the time. The truth is, parents are more often praising their teen than encouraging. Praise reinforces extrinsic motivation and the dependence on others. Intrinsic motivation builds confidence, empowerment, self-esteem and purpose. Shift your focus to the action, not just the result. Below are a couple examples of the differences between praise and encouragement.
I want to point out that praise is not a bad thing! Think of it this way: praise is like candy and encouragement is like fruit. Both are sweet but one is a little bit better for you. Encouragement enhances and builds characteristics such as resilience, responsibility, and self-reliance. Praise recognizes the perfect product, “You did it right.” Encouragement recognizes the efforts and improvements made, “Your hard work paid off.” Praise can often rob a teen of their ownership or achievements by adding undue pressure and uncommunicated expectations. Praise is an expression of approval and favorable judgement. Empower your teen to take risks and learn from their mistakes. Stimulate their efforts with the courage to try!
References:
Parent Educator Facilitator Manual by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D and Lynn Lott, MFT
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