What leads to a power struggle and what you can do to alleviate the fighting
How do we fall into power struggles to begin with? The majority of power struggles are a combination of parent and teen. Parents dig in their heels for fear of losing control and teens are at a developmental stage where they feel they are all-knowing. Before you know it you are going toe to toe with no one winning in the end. High emotions are the driving force behind power struggles.
Ever say or do things in the heat of the moment that are out of character? Guess what? Teens do too. At the end of the day, we are all human. We get triggered. We get scared and we have emotions. A dysregulated adult is incapable of regulating a dysregulated teen. You have to take care of yourself, as a parent, before you are able to de-escalate.
So, how do we de-escalate or better yet, not fall into power struggles? I am not going to say power struggles will never happen, we are human after all. My goal is that these simple tips can alleviate heat of the moment fighting. First, recognize your own triggers. Is it the eye rolling that sets you off? Is it the talking back? Tune in and recognize what is your switch from patient to losing control. The more you are aware of yourself the more you can stay calm, cool and collected.
Turn power struggles into teachable moments. Attempt to connect with your teen and model the behavior you want to teach or instill. The examples below are common parent/teen interactions. See how you can engage differently to elicit a different reaction from your teen….
“You are grounded for a week.”
Instead try: “I need to take some time out until I can be with you respectfully.”
“How can you talk to me that way after all I have done for you?”
Instead try: “What would help us right now; some time out or putting this on the family meeting agenda?”
Third, listen! Parents talk A LOT! Turn on your listening ears and attempt to understand your teen. Ask about the emotions behind the behavior. Sometimes your teen just needs to feel heard and validated. It may not seem like a big deal to you but to your teen it is their world. Sometimes a power struggle can be avoided just by saying “hmmm” or “tell me more.”
Fourth, stop throwing threats. In a heated battle increasing consequences is essentially pointless. Think of the movie the Breakfast Club. The Principal yelling, “That’s one. That’s another one! Do you want me to keep going?” Power struggles are not about winning. Remember to actively problem solve with your teen and offer them options. Give some of the power back to your teen to collaboratively work together.
Lastly, quit taking it personally! As a parent you care deeply about your teen. I want you to know, power struggles are not about you! Attempt to understand and empathize with your teens perspective. Remember, you can be invited to the fight, but you do not need to join! You are in control!
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